It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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