My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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