I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
