Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
