We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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