My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
