ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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