My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
