im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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