i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
