I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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