Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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