Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
