Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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