I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
