We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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