so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
