Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
