The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
