girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
