I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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