Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
