Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
