Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
did i walk over a car last night?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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