a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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