hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
