found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
