You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
