Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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