yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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