this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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