my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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