; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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