the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
