just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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