A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pappa wants mamma naked
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
