I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
