Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
