If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
