I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
