Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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