I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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