R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He passed out mid-signature
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
