At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
this just has baby written all over it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think pants incapable of making pants work
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
