Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
