I heard we made out
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
