I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
