He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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