You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
