I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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