awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
