I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
