wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
