the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
