I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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