she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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